Sometimes when you don’t show up to work four days in a row without any warnings the boss wants to fire you, and you stand there too ashamed to ask for the fifty euros he owes for previous week’s work.
Panic attacks came without warnings and my boss didn’t like excuses.
It was also the fear of not being able to do the jobs, fear of having another meltdown in public that might have kept me from going to work.
You walk home, making elaborate plans in your head on how to buy a week’s grocery with the crumpled up five euro note that you have left. Then you think about rent and insurance and bus tickets and it is all too overwhelming so you end up buying a Chinese take away with that money and eat it straight from the box crouched up on your bed while watching stupid TV shows.
Somewhere along the first polite reminder from the landlord about the rent money and the green and white official letter of insurance guys formally asking me to the pay dues I compose the message whose contents were all too familiar by then. An amped up version of ‘can I borrow some money from you this month?’ … hit send to a friend and start wallowing in my inability to make a living.
BPD burned a big hole in my finances.
The cycle repeated.
I just couldn’t show up.
Today I finished the first month of my PhD, everyday at 8 in the morning I managed to show up at my office, made some new friends also got my first scholarship installment. So my landlord will not have to send his passive aggressive reminder this month.