After 1.5 years today I paid rent on time!

Sometimes when you don’t show up to work four days in a row without any warnings the boss wants to fire you, and  you stand there too ashamed to ask for the fifty euros he owes for previous week’s work.

Panic attacks came without warnings and my boss didn’t like excuses.

It was also the fear of not being able to do the jobs, fear of having another meltdown in public that might have kept me from going to work.

You walk home, making elaborate plans in your head on how to buy a week’s grocery with the crumpled up five euro note that you have left. Then you think about rent and insurance  and bus tickets and it is all too overwhelming so you end up buying a Chinese take away with that money and eat it straight from the box crouched up on your bed while watching stupid TV shows.

Somewhere along the first polite reminder from the landlord about the rent money and the green and white official letter of insurance guys formally asking me to the pay dues I compose the message whose contents were all too familiar by then. An amped up version of ‘can I borrow some money from you this month?’ … hit send to a friend and start wallowing in my inability to make a living.

BPD burned a big hole in my finances.

The cycle repeated.

I just couldn’t show up.

Today I finished the first month of my PhD, everyday at 8 in the morning I managed to show up at my office, made some new friends also got my first scholarship installment. So my landlord will not have to send his passive aggressive reminder this month.

Baby steps.






10 thoughts on “After 1.5 years today I paid rent on time!

  1. That is a perfect example of how things get out of your control with mental illnesses. You don’t always realize the connection between that and finances but you are so right. I appreciate you for pointing that out.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Mental Illness can wreak havoc in any aspect of your life if you don’t keep it in check. It can be especially devestating to your finances if you allow it.

    What helps me, is I plan in advance. Everything has at least two back up plans, that way if one thing falls through, I can have a security blanket. Remember, don’t stress the small things, if there is absolutely nothing you can physically do about it at that moment, just walk away from it. Even if it’s only a little while, it helps a ton. That way, when the big stuff hits, you’re less likely to break down. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That is very thoughtful. Yes, planing helps a ton. I have never really thought of walking away from something that we have no control of..thanks for pointing that out 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

    1. I don’t know what to say to that! It was such a terrible time, I really hope you are doing better now. You have no idea how much it means to me when someone relates to my writing. Please stay in touch

      Liked by 1 person

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