I have been having a couple of bad days. My psychologist K always tells me to take care of myself like a mother takes care of her infant child in times like this. But it is not easy to tell the inner bully in me to shut the fuck up so that I can begin the self care routine. It is one of the biggest conflicts in dealing with a psychiatric illness- to accept that this illness is not your fault. Recovery involves taking responsibility of one’s own mental health, it starts with identifying the triggers, learning skills to cope and generally a major lifestyle overhaul. But this can all come crumbling down on a bad day and perhaps we should just breathe and let a bad day be a bad day once in a while..if it means shutting your drapes and and staying indoors watching stupid TV shows let it be..
The only thing I want to be careful about is to leave a crumb trail to slowly find my way back before the grip of darkness tightens.
One of the mistakes I have been doing repeatedly before, was trying to force myself to do what I was expected to do. At the low points of BPD simple tasks can seem overwhelming so trying to do a 5k run when it is difficult to even get out of bed has mostly been counter productive. It would just fuel the guilty feeling and can easily lead to destructive tendencies of binge eating or self harm. Nor has it helped to try and read, when things get rough, because of my avoidant nature I tend to escape to a fantasy world. That would give me the opportunity of imagining better days without actually having to do anything about it.
So I wanted to have something, anything that could pull me up from the dark hole and out of the escapist fantasies just enough so that I will have the motivation to start actively thinking about my mental health…then I found the first crumb of my trail back, Kandinsky.
My next post is going to be just dedicated to Kandinsky’s art but for now I will tell you this much. His paintings give me that essential distraction from the pervasive negative thoughts of depression, also it brings me back to reality just enough so that I can at least go look for my DBT skillset list.
I have a collection of postcards of my favorite paintings from Kandinsky and soon they will go up on my wall, where I will get a direct view of these extraordinary art pieces when I am wallowing on my bed.
See you with more stories
And on a completely separate subject. Do you remember how I was telling you about not buying the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child? Well it did not go so well 😀