Note: Yesterday I had a blogger’s worst nightmare of hitting the publish button on an unfinished draft, so to people who read it yesterday, this is an updated version.
How do I put this?
Imagine running into a friend after a long time. You knew her really well, you remember how her relationship status was, “in a domestic partnership with coffee”, you laugh and hug and go to a cafe because of course, coffee! and then you see them ordering green tea with honey, and you go WTF! You start to think, maybe she has changed completely, but then she orders burger and fries with extra fries and you think, okay maybe she hasn’t changed all that much. The rest of the time you spend with her is a mix of faint nostalgia and delightful surprises. And by the end of the day, you have brain freeze from getting to know a person you already knew well.
Mmmm, It was a very lousy example but that was the best I could come up with. It has been two months since I started a regular 8-4 job. I could also say it is the second month of my life after major depression. That has brought back a whole lot of normalcy to my life. But I also seem to have forgotten what my life was like before the episode. Because during the last two years, I was on survival mode and most of what I did were just meant to get me through a day. And, during my time at the rehab I took up a lot of activities, not the ones that were interesting but the ones that were helpful. Now is the time I decide whether I want to keep doing them or not (Dancing- yes, jogging- No No No)
It also means that I am finally starting to accept that depression is really gone- this time for good!
Now that the grey cloud is lifted I am at the liberty to live and not just survive. The funny part is, a lot of what I do surprises me on a daily basis. For example, I exercise every morning without somebody holding a gun to my head (!), I swear a whole lot more, and apparently I like tomatoes now. On the other hand, a lot of things are the same, its just I haven’t been doing them for a while now so I am not sure where I stand. It is a lot of getting to know yourself again, like going through your old journals and junk and reminiscing what your likes and dislikes were back then.
My mind is like the first day of spring after a long dark dreary winter. I remember one of my fellow bloggers writing about how she felt after getting glasses. Everything that was blurry until then became clear and vivid before her eyes in an instant. It took a lot more than an instant but that is exactly how I feel now. Like, having granted access to my senses again. I cannot get through dinners without repeatedly telling my roommate how delicious food is because food tastes like food now.
But, most importantly I am filled to the brim with gratitude. Gratitude for not having to put an effort into simple acts like walking, reading, showering…., for having woken up from a failed suicide attempt, for being able to show up at a job, for not breaking down on subway cars. Gratitude, not to any unknown forces in particular but just to life itself.
This feeling of elation might be short lived but as long it is here I am hell bent on enjoying it. So if you see any starry-eyed girl walking around like her first day on this beautiful planet earth, come say hi.
Can you relate to this feeling?