Life after Major depression (updated)

Note: Yesterday I had a blogger’s worst nightmare of hitting the publish button on an unfinished draft, so to people who read it yesterday, this is an updated version.

How do I put this?

Imagine running into a friend after a long time. You knew her really well, you remember how her relationship status was, “in a domestic partnership with coffee”, you laugh and hug and go to a cafe because of course, coffee! and then you see them ordering  green tea with honey, and you go WTF!  You start to think, maybe she has changed completely, but then she orders burger and fries with extra fries and you think, okay maybe she hasn’t changed all that much. The rest of the time you spend with her is a mix of faint nostalgia and delightful surprises. And by the end of the day, you have brain freeze from getting to know a person you already knew well.

Mmmm, It was a very lousy example but that was the best I could come up with. It has been two months since I started a regular 8-4 job. I could also say it is the second month of my life after major depression. That has brought back a whole lot of normalcy to my life. But I also seem to have forgotten what my life was like before the episode. Because during the last two years, I was on survival mode and most of what I did were just meant to get me through a day. And, during my time at the rehab I took up a lot of activities, not the ones that were interesting but the ones that were helpful. Now is the time I decide whether I want to keep doing them or not (Dancing- yes, jogging- No No No)

It also means that I am finally starting to accept that depression is really gone- this time for good!

Now that the grey cloud is lifted I am at the liberty to live and not just survive. The funny part is, a lot of what I do surprises me on a daily basis. For example, I exercise every morning without somebody holding a gun to my head (!), I swear a whole lot more, and apparently I like tomatoes now.  On the other hand, a lot of things are the same, its just I haven’t been doing them for a while now so I am not sure where I stand.  It is a lot of getting to know yourself again, like going through your old journals and junk and reminiscing what your likes and dislikes were back then.

My mind is like the first day of spring after a long dark dreary winter. I remember one of my fellow bloggers writing about how she felt after getting glasses. Everything that was blurry until then became clear and vivid  before her eyes in an instant. It took a lot more than an instant but that is exactly how I feel now. Like, having granted access to my senses again. I cannot get through dinners without repeatedly telling  my roommate how delicious food is because food tastes like food now.

But, most importantly I am filled to the brim with gratitude. Gratitude for not having to put an effort into simple acts like walking, reading, showering….,  for having woken up from a failed suicide attempt, for being able to show up at a job, for not breaking down on subway cars. Gratitude, not to any unknown forces in particular but just to life itself.

This feeling of elation might be short lived but as long it is here I am hell bent on enjoying it. So if you see any starry-eyed girl  walking around like her first day on this beautiful planet earth, come say hi.

Can you relate to this feeling?

Love

Jo

 

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7 thoughts on “Life after Major depression (updated)

  1. I’m glad you’re back! Depression is a black hole. Only those who’ve experienced it can ever understand how difficult it is to crawl up and out – and how hard we pray that something is not waiting to drag us back in until we are safely far away, even as we are thrilled to feel the sunlight on our faces once again the moment we emerge. Nice post.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

    1. This one is a very special post for me, so It means a lot that you enjoyed reading it. and you are so right, it is one of those cannot really empathize with if you haven’t gone through it. Thanks a lot for commenting

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are very welcome. Today (first Thursday in October) is National Depression Screening Day. And the first week of October is Mental Illness Awareness Week, according to NAMI. So it would be fitting that I read and comment on this particular post, even if I did not relate personally.

        “Enjoyed” is not exactly the right word. I think “appreciated” or “admired” would be closer to how I felt as I read. It was a very brave post.
        xx,
        mgh

        Liked by 1 person

  2. FYI: I linked this article to one of my own, published on National Depression Screening Day – it looks like you may not have pings enable.
    xx,
    mgh
    (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
    – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
    “It takes a village to educate a world!”

    Liked by 1 person

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