A letter from the rehab

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I ended up at the rehab again. This is the third time in the past three years. Things have gotten a lot better during this time. My doctor told to think of this as a pause and not a step back. So that is what I am doing.

I wanted writing to be my thing. The thing that would help me through the blues but apparently it isn’t. Finishing that short paragraph took a lot of mental gymnastics.

There is a lady here who is perpetually talking, she just told me to ‘fuck off’ in German. It’s nothing personal, she says that to everyone.

I have been taking six showers a day because it helps, I know it is bad for the environment but I am not eating meat for now, so hope that evens it out?

We wake up at 6.45 everyday.

Someone plays the piano everyday.

There is a new print of the Nighthawks on the wall, it wasn’t here last year. I can look at all day.

I take therapy in German which is also different from the last two times.

They still call me by my last name which I hate.

Why do hospital food always suck?

We eat breakfast in silence, we talk a lot during lunch and eat dinner again in silence. I wonder why that is.

Sometimes we play board games.

My roommate has to pack her entire suitcase every time she leaves the room. She is scared I am going to steal her things. But she is nice to me otherwise.

She snores but I don’t mind.

It has been raining a lot.

I am rereading the harry potter series.

Is it different to be depressed when you have money? Yes, it is a lot better when you can buy books and art supplies (also, when you are not worried about how to make rent) So now I buy my share of happiness with money. That helps.

I don’t know what to tell my friends, they think I am on holidays.

My boss knows, he said to take my time. How do I always end up with kind people?

It would have been nice to have someone to hug.

I have been painting a lot, sometimes that is all I do. Is any of you on Instagram? you can find me as @galaxiesinamasonjar. I pretend to be funny there, that helps too

Love,

Jo

 

40 feel good activities for when you are broke

Walking barefoot in the sand.

Painting with your hands.

Writing a postcard to your favorite author/singer/actor.

Sending that postcard.

singing-in-the-shower-funny-quotes

Handwritten letters.

Learning the lyrics to your favorite song.

Singing along to your favorite song.

Singing along to your favorite song in the shower.

Long showers.

Putting up fairy lights in your room.

Making a collage of all your favorite photos.

Going to the explore page of Instagram.

 

Memorizing your favorite poem.

Going to the sneak previews.

Volunteering at a film festival.

Burning an incense.

Burning candles.

Thrift store shopping.

Picnic in the park by yourself.

Picnic in the park with your buddies.

Writing a letter to your crush that you would never dare send.

Find out if there is a Museum day in your city and going art watching.

Inviting a friend over for a movie night.

Trying a new hairstyle from a YouTube tutorial.

Free hugs.

Going crazy at an All-you-can-eat-buffet.

Putting on your favorite dress and watching Netflix.

Find out a part of your city you haven’t seen and be a tourist for a day.

Go on free walking tours.

Sky gazing.

Learning to identify one constellation other than the The big Dipper or Cassiopeia.

Watching the sunrise.

Watching the sunset.

Rereading your favorite book (hint:The harry potter series).

Photoshop yourself to a picture of a place that you really want to visit.

Reorganize your room.

Draw on your walls.

Drawing stars on your ceiling.

Building a water bottle rocket.

Starting a Youtube channel/ WordPress blog/ Instagram page for that skill you have been hiding all along.

 

 

 

 

Would you read our book?

Some of you might already know Juni Desiree through her blog(s), she is a writer, artist, and an awesomely creative person in general. A few months ago she blogged about a book she and her mom was working on. It was titled Please Tell (now Please tell someone), personal accounts of sexual and indecent assault. Juni invited writers of the blogosphere to contribute personal stories or a message to survivors, and she was kind enough to accept a very short piece I wrote. The accounts are kept anonymous so I don’t find it appropriate sharing here.

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Please Tell Someone

Stories like this are not easy to share nor are they easy to read but keeping our eyes closed to such issues or bottling up our emotions rarely help. That is why this book and every such book recounting personal narratives are important. If this book helps at least one person, somewhere on the globe not to feel alone in their recovery journey or if it gives someone the courage to stand up against such atrocities then I would say it has done its job. We would be ever so grateful if you would consider giving it a chance.

The book is available in a Kindle Edition and you can buy it here [amazon] and it is priced at 5 euros.

I would like to thank Juni and her mom for all the efforts they have put into this work. Bringing together voices spread across the globe in such a short span of time is not an easy task. Thank you for seeing it through all the challenges you had to tackle on the way and thank you for making me a part of this.

I am attaching an excerpt from the book in Juni’s words. I would also like to giveaway a copy to one of you readers. Just tell me in the comments if you would like to be considered for it.

Love,

Jo

Here is what Juni has to say about this book,

 In this book you will find courageous people sharing their accounts of sexual and indecent assault, encouraging messages for survivors, and some information about what options survivors have. These come in the form of stories, interviews, poems, blog posts, letters, and artwork. 

After almost 5 months of seeking contributors, there are 39 people from 14 countries, ranging in age from 18 to 62, included in this book. 

What I’ve learnt from collecting stories of sexual and indecent assault is this: 

  • Everyone’s story is different. Some stories involved strangers, some involved family members. Some were one-off occasions, some went on for years. Some were subtle, some were violent. I was surprised by the range of stories and it showed me that sexual and indecent assault can’t be put in a box. People might hear someone’s story and think, ‘oh, that doesn’t count,’ or, ‘that’s not as bad as…’ But I’ve learnt not to dismiss any person’s story. No matter what the circumstances, sexual and indecent assault is real, confusing, frightening, and a big deal.
  • Everyone’s journey is different. Some people have healed from their experience and moved on with their lives. Some are taking steps to walk forward and are on the road to recovery. Some are struggling daily and don’t feel they can ever recover or move on. It can be easy from the outside to think people should just ‘get over it,’ to wonder ‘why can’t they just know their worth,’ and to judge them, thinking ‘they’re not even making an effort to move on.’ But I’ve learnt not to judge any person’s journey. Every survivor is doing the best they can and they could do with support, not criticism. 
  • Though everyone’s story and journey is different, each person shared their voice because they have a heart to help survivors. They know the importance of survivors telling their stories and they have found the courage to share theirs. I admire their hearts and their courage, and I’m thankful for the insights they have given into what it is like for them to be a survivor of sexual and indecent assault. They have given me greater understanding and empathy for survivors. 

I hope their voices encourage many people.

 

“There are no heroes, only heroic acts”

There is an opaque sticker on top of my webcam at all times, I don’t exactly remember which year I started doing it, but what prompted me was this, one day while lazily clicking away on the internet I came across a website that promised an authentic monsoon viewing experience from Kerala if I managed to find a pair of working headphones. Since life is too short for reading the “If you agree to all these conditions you just read click yes” button, I clicked yes without a blink. With my blessing, the program turned the webcam ON, My 3am brain was too tired to notice that, and I waited through about 15 minutes for the said monsoon experience while only wearing my bra (because it was summer and because I live alone) it was scary realizing the cam was ON the entire time. It was like realizing that somebody was watching you through a peephole while you were taking a shower.

I studied electrical engineering for four years, so it is not anywhere near logical for me to assume that somebody can watch through my camera without my permission. But the footprints we leave on the internet can be traced back to us whether we like it or not, that is a fact. It is kind of scary that not always will we have a say in this. Yesterday evening I had the privilege to listen to a series of talks given by Jürgen Todenhöfer, Jeremy Scahill, Richard Wolff, Paul Jay, Srecko Horvat, and Edward Snowden (Snowden joined through video conference of course).

It left me feeling discontented and hopeful.

I have learned make-believe as a way of keeping it together. I make up utopian worlds in my imagination and try to be content with it. When you see things like, people denying climate change on a daily basis, you need something to keep your hope alive. But then I am only a lazy idealist who is in perpetual denial, what difference do I have from the person denying climate change?  I don’t want to be that person anymore.

dumbledore

I have written here before about the skewed ideas we have about activists, the girl in a kurti with a messy bun and round glasses. Yesterday, Snowden said something that is extremely relevant in this respect. I would paraphrase it here, We should all stop putting faith in one elected person to bring on change.  There are no heroes, only heroic acts. Being a hero sounds too daunting but doing one heroic act, still daunting but more doable, isn’t it?

I strongly believe social media can make a lot of changes in our society, it is the closest thing to a democratic mouthpiece humanity have today. The place where it fails miserably is when our activism begins and end there. Changing our profile pictures in solidarity for a cause is great. If it helps someone else to pause and reflect on it for a second we have already contributed to the cause, but when our activism ends there, the difference we make would also unfortunately, have a short life.

As an idealist, I am learning that idealism is nothing without hard work. The bigger picture of  ‘your side of the revolution winning eventually’ is a powerful image to hold on to but sometimes each day of that revolution looks insignificant and boring and banal. It is a lot of showing up when no one else does. It is being the person who stays back to clean up the mess after the party. It’s only been about six months of me trying to get a mental health NGO started and my hope is already dwindling. See, told you, lazy idealist!

But if a person forced to live in exile for the past three years can still show up for a cause, the least I could do is try.

I learned from a wise old man with a white beard that things I imagine can be real and for good or bad, things you learn as a child stay with you forever. I want to keep that child alive while teaching the adult in me to stay back for the afterparty.

To small heroic acts.

Hugs,

Jo

Here is to surviving the holiday season

I might have had some unrealistic expectations about the holiday season this time and they might have sucked. Big time.

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Just a sketch I made

All the books I were to read, all the stories I were to write, and all the art I were to make still remain untouched. I spent the last three weeks curled up in a blanket drinking chai, watching snow and Netflix, okay a bit more of Netflix than snow.

It also makes me wonder if there were no external pressures, I might spend my whole life trying to escape life, just lazily looking at things drinking tea.

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Just another sketch I did

2017 is going to be a good year.

I can feel it.

So here is to all of you who survived the holiday season.

Love and hugs

Jo

Shall we send holiday cards to each other?

I get homesick only once per year and that happens to be during Christmas holidays. All of my close friends fly back home around the 23rd, so we usually have our traditional dinner on 22nd and on Christmas eve I am alone. Last four years I had been too broke to take a trip to India, also, Munich looks like a winter wonderland in December, with all the Christmas decorations, fairy lights, Christkindlmarkts, and warm Glüwein the city never looks more magical, but still it is not easy to not feel lonely when the city looks so dead on Christmas day.

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When I started blogging in July I did not count on getting to know anyone, but I am so thankful to have come across all of you, wonderful people. It also appears that a lot of us follow each other as well. So how about we send a Christmas card to one of the fellow bloggers? I cannot think of a reason why someone would not like receiving an actual physical card by mail.

Here is my idea, if you would like to participate in this, let me know in the comments section or send me an email to jothetumbleweed@gmail.com. I will pair you up with other bloggers who are interested in exchanging card by snail mail. If there are not enough people who would want to do it, then you will get a card from me.

I am waiting to hear what you all think.

Hugs,

Jo

Maybe it is okay not to be grateful all the time.

It could be worse.

There are people who go to bed hungry every night.

You are lucky, look at all the things you have.

All of the above statements are so very true. Almost all the problems pale in comparison to someone having to live day-in-day-out in hunger. Perhaps, if we were to make a priority list of all the problems humanity has to solve, eradicating hunger should be on the top of the list. Let us say we manage to provide a person living in perpetual hunger with a life where they will never have to be poor or hungry again, would gratefulness be the only thing they then feel their whole life?  Would they be able to get through all the heartbreaking instances of life with that one thought of at least I am not poor anymore? I am grateful that I never had to experience poverty, more grateful than I could ever express through writing. But am I then allowed to be discontented about certain other things?  Racism? Homophobia? Rampant mental health stigma? Sexism?

For me, when I am one hundred percent grateful about something it’s because I like the way the thing or situation is, in other words, I would not want it to change. But there are many things about me that I would like to change and it usually makes me very guilty that I am not always grateful about life.

I got an opportunity to live and study abroad about four years ago, all of my friends and family were very happy for me. A lot of people sent me messages saying they were proud of my achievements. After I finished the master’s program I was offered a PhD position in a national space agency, but then nobody was happy nor proud of me. Because I was 27 years old and marriage should have been the next logical step in my life. The messages I received told me something along the lines of, think of all the girls who did not get an opportunity to go to school at all, here you got the opportunity to study in a foreign country, now that is enough, get married. Yes, I was thankful to have had an amazing opportunity to study at one of the world’s best engineering institutions but was I then wrong to have been discontented about being forced to make a decision I did not want to?

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Found here

You know what, I was not.

This argument of always be grateful is usually made in mental health related discussions quite a lot, wherein depression is said as a lack of gratitude. Most of the times it comes from a well-meaning place. The intention might be to make someone aware that everything isn’t as bad as they think it is and there is still hope. But that one phrase dismisses a person’s right to feel bad, and nobody should have to earn their right to feel bad. Now I know how privileged I was to have had an insurance that paid my stay at a psychiatric ward and to have a group of friends who took care of me like family in a foreign country- my mental health is stable enough to appreciate those facts now but it didn’t help to hear it back then.

When someone is going through pain might not be the best time to remind them to be grateful. There is a time to do it when they are better able to appreciate the whole picture, when they have gotten some space from their pain, when they are able to be rational and logical about it, when they can grab a yellow legal pad and make a pro and con list.

Gratitude and discontent can exist hand in hand. We can be thankful about something and discontented about something else. Maybe the magic is finding that balance and it is something we can learn and practice. It always helps to appreciate the big picture and sometimes even to write down all the things that are good in our lives so that we don’t forget them but it is okay not to be like that all the time. Last time I checked we haven’t yet turned to robots, and as long as we have a beating heart we are going to be not grateful from time to time and that is OKAY!

I will leave you with a quote that I absolutely love

gaiman-discontent

Hugs

Jo

Footnote: Madelyn left a comment and I thought it is important to share it here.

YES! “Gratitude and discontent can exist hand in hand.” Important point and great post.

Those “positivity purveyors” have missed the point of gratitude entirely, IMHO. It’s not designed to be denial’s handmaiden. It’s a technique for helping us weather our storms by encouraging us to focus on what we *can* be grateful for – *after* we’ve acknowledged the fact that sometimes things just suck (without measuring it by degrees in comparison to anyone else challenges and sorrows).

AND, it is not kind in the slightest to attempt to drag somebody over the positivity line when what s/he needs is a loving ear to listen while she pours her heart out. It’s not THEIR job to remind you to be grateful – you’ll get to that all by yourself when the time is right – if they’d only commiserate or be silent.

Would they overstep a mother’s grief after the death of a child, encouraging her to be grateful for the ones she has left because some people aren’t even able to conceive? SAME THING.
xx,
mgh
(Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com)
– ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder –
“It takes a village to educate a world!”