In a previous life, I had a secret baking blog on WordPress. It was called Thoughts and Cakes. I was young and full of hope of making a life selling cakes and used books. There were silly posts like ‘how to make Mascerpone cheese in an Indian kitchen’ and recipes for Armenian Nazook (I no longer remember what that is) and Nutmeg cake. The blog was doing okay, then after about three years of lurking around I shared it on my social media. People could not’ve been kinder, they said incredibly kind things and shared it with their friends and family and the blog grew overnight. There was only one problem, I simply couldn’t write anymore.
This is what happened. I couldn’t believe the nice things people told me, I was convinced that I was getting away with something and if that blog had continued to live people were going to figure out that I was a fraud and a fake. So I left it at that point where the people still liked me. Maybe that is a feeling all of us have at some point in our lives to varying degrees.
That was about five years ago, a lot of things have changed in this time, now I have the luxury of walking into a grocery store and buying a tub of Mascerpone but I no longer bake, my beloved camera died and I am much more cynical but it turns out the imposter syndrome still remains the same.
The last few posts have been the ones most close to my heart but it seems like the more honest I get with my writing the lesser and lesser engagement the posts get. Some of you have openly expressed your dislike about the last posts and I am incredibly grateful for that, that is exactly how it should be. I don’t want you to have my back no matter what. But there is also that part of me that wants to be liked and keep all of you around.
The solution in this case of course was starting another blog and another secret internet life which I have been doing since Feb but that is also going to have the same fate, its just a matter of time. So here I am trying to keep this going. Trying to get a thicker skin and trying to believe there would be a few people around even when I let the guard down. Let’s see how far it goes.
PS: Some people who are reading this blog are absolutely not allowed to hate me, you know who you are!
There are people who go to bed hungry every night.
You are lucky, look at all the things you have.
All of the above statements are so very true. Almost all the problems pale in comparison to someone having to live day-in-day-out in hunger. Perhaps, if we were to make a priority list of all the problems humanity has to solve, eradicating hunger should be on the top of the list. Let us say we manage to provide a person living in perpetual hunger with a life where they will never have to be poor or hungry again, would gratefulness be the only thing they then feel their whole life? Would they be able to get through all the heartbreaking instances of life with that one thought of at least I am not poor anymore? I am grateful that I never had to experience poverty, more grateful than I could ever express through writing. But am I then allowed to be discontented about certain other things? Racism? Homophobia? Rampant mental health stigma? Sexism?
For me, when I am one hundred percent grateful about something it’s because I like the way the thing or situation is, in other words, I would not want it to change. But there are many things about me that I would like to change and it usually makes me very guilty that I am not always grateful about life.
I got an opportunity to live and study abroad about four years ago, all of my friends and family were very happy for me. A lot of people sent me messages saying they were proud of my achievements. After I finished the master’s program I was offered a PhD position in a national space agency, but then nobody was happy nor proud of me. Because I was 27 years old and marriage should have been the next logical step in my life. The messages I received told me something along the lines of, think of all the girls who did not get an opportunity to go to school at all, here you got the opportunity to study in a foreign country, now that is enough, get married. Yes, I was thankful to have had an amazing opportunity to study at one of the world’s best engineering institutions but was I then wrong to have been discontented about being forced to make a decision I did not want to?
You know what, I was not.
This argument of always be grateful is usually made in mental health related discussions quite a lot, wherein depression is said as a lack of gratitude. Most of the times it comes from a well-meaning place. The intention might be to make someone aware that everything isn’t as bad as they think it is and there is still hope. But that one phrase dismisses a person’s right to feel bad, and nobody should have to earn their right to feel bad. Now I know how privileged I was to have had an insurance that paid my stay at a psychiatric ward and to have a group of friends who took care of me like family in a foreign country- my mental health is stable enough to appreciate those facts now but it didn’t help to hear it back then.
When someone is going through pain might not be the best time to remind them to be grateful. There is a time to do it when they are better able to appreciate the whole picture, when they have gotten some space from their pain, when they are able to be rational and logical about it, when they can grab a yellow legal pad and make a pro and con list.
Gratitude and discontent can exist hand in hand. We can be thankful about something and discontented about something else. Maybe the magic is finding that balance and it is something we can learn and practice. It always helps to appreciate the big picture and sometimes even to write down all the things that are good in our lives so that we don’t forget them but it is okay not to be like that all the time. Last time I checked we haven’t yet turned to robots, and as long as we have a beating heart we are going to be not grateful from time to time and that is OKAY!
I will leave you with a quote that I absolutely love
Footnote: Madelyn left a comment and I thought it is important to share it here.
YES! “Gratitude and discontent can exist hand in hand.” Important point and great post.
Those “positivity purveyors” have missed the point of gratitude entirely, IMHO. It’s not designed to be denial’s handmaiden. It’s a technique for helping us weather our storms by encouraging us to focus on what we *can* be grateful for – *after* we’ve acknowledged the fact that sometimes things just suck (without measuring it by degrees in comparison to anyone else challenges and sorrows).
AND, it is not kind in the slightest to attempt to drag somebody over the positivity line when what s/he needs is a loving ear to listen while she pours her heart out. It’s not THEIR job to remind you to be grateful – you’ll get to that all by yourself when the time is right – if they’d only commiserate or be silent.
Would they overstep a mother’s grief after the death of a child, encouraging her to be grateful for the ones she has left because some people aren’t even able to conceive? SAME THING. xx,
mgh (Madelyn Griffith-Haynie – ADDandSoMuchMore dot com) – ADD Coach Training Field founder; ADD Coaching co-founder – “It takes a village to educate a world!”
I have been living abroad for four years now and these are some of the questions that I get asked a lot, they are entirely my views and opinions, not of the whole country. India is a big country that is multilingual, multireligious, and multicultural, hence it is almost impossible to give answers that fit all. So keep that in mind while you read. If I made factual errors let me know in the comments section, but be nice.
Q: Are you a Hindi? Do you speak Hindu?
A: You might have gotten that mixed up, don’t worry the words are so similar. Hindi is a language and Hinduism is a religion. I will wait while you rephrase the question
Q: I thought all Indians are vegetarians
A: Not all of us but a lot of us. To a great extent it depends on religious beliefs, we do have a very wide range of yummy vegetarian and vegan dishes, though. Detailed explanation here
Q: What is that dot on your forehead? Does that mean you are married? And, why is it black not red?
A: It is called a bindi. I am not good with definitions, so will let wiki do the job, “The word Bindu dates back to the hymn of creation known as Nasadiya Sukta in Rig Veda.Bindu is considered the point at which creation begins and may become unity. It is also described as “the sacred symbol of the cosmos in its unmanifested state….[keep reading]”
Now that you know the theory I will tell you what it means for us individually, today it has become more of a cultural symbol than a religious one, so you can see people from all religions wearing a bindi and in all possible colors and designs you can imagine. It might not be an indication of someone’s marital status either. Personally, it is something I have grown up doing and still do it because I love how it makes me look.
Q: Why do you eat beef? I thought it was banned in India
A: 24 out of 29 states in India currently have various regulations prohibiting either the slaughter or sale of cows, because cow is very much respected in Hinduism (needs further explanation). I come from a state that does not have any such regulation. Also, India is a secular country, there is a place for every religion and belief system and most importantly because I believe a nation state to not dictate my eating habits or any personal choices for that matter.
Q: You speak good English…?
A: English is one of the official languages of India. It isn’t my mother tongue but I learned it as a first language in school ( generally you have the options to do schooling in English, the official language of the state, or in Hindi) meaning all my schooling and university education was in English. But no, I don’t speak it at home. It isn’t the case everywhere, to give you a very questionable percentage it is 10% of the entire population that use English in some form.
Q: Why don’t you have an Indian accent?
A: I really do have. Maybe this needs a bit of an explanation. Because India is a very multilingual country, Indian English accents can vary from region to region and from school to school. Our mother tongue can have a huge influence, also on the fact that how early we start using English as a spoken language. Don’t be surprised if we all don’t sound like Rajesh Kutrapalli 😀
Q: Will your parents choose the groom for you?
A: Oh boy, where do I start! India is a big country and the difference in ways of life in urban and rural areas are monumental. Arranged marriages are still a thing, but the approach to the topic varies. Some parents prefer their children to find their partners on their own, we call them love marriages. Then there are love arranged marriages, that is when people find their partners on their own but then spend time convincing their parents why this might be a good match. Then purely arranged weddings, where you resort on newspaper adverts, matrimonial websites or the now outdated wedding brokers. Speaking very very generally parents rarely force kids these days and you almost always have the room to say no (there are very brutal exceptions to this of course), but they tend to get worried as we age since marriage is still a norm in the society and sometimes we might be made to make some difficult choices.
Q: All Indians speak Hindi, don’t they?
A: No we don’t.
Q: I thought Hindi was your national language.
A: So did I until a certain age. Then internet came around and I realized it was not. India does NOT have a national language. There are two nationally recognised official languages, English and Hindi. It is very commonly spoken in the northern states, but it might not be the case in the north-eastern states and the south. I come from the south and never have I ever spoken in Hindi when I was home, I learned it in school as my third language.
Q: Why do you celebrate Christmas?
A: There are now around 24 million Christians in India. In some states, there are larger percentages and hence the spirit of Christmas can spread beyond the boundaries of religion. In my state, we have ten days off from school. Mine was a Hindu household with a star, a crib and a Christmas tree fashioned out of a mango tree during Christmas and of course awesome food:)
Q: Are your weddings so grand like in the movies?
A: Movies tend to take it a bit far, it might not be as well choreographed as you see. But they can be very colourful and a hell lot of people. It is not so uncommon to have 500- 1000 guests to a wedding. It is not that people are always able to afford such weddings but somehow it has become a thing of pride which I sincerely hope will change soon.
Q: Do you like Bollywood movies?
A: Yes, I do. There are a lot of good movies in Bollywood, you might have to look a bit beyond all the glitz and glamour. But India has a number of regional movie industries, which produce tons of awesome movies year round and I watch movies in my mother tongue (Malayalam) more than Bollywood. If you want recommendations ask me 😀
Q: Do you ride elephants?
A: No. It is possible but it isn’t as common as the media make it to appear.
Q: Have you played with snakes?
A: NO! Where did you learn that from? :O
Q: Is it really hot everywhere?
I will get all technical now, the southern and northern extremes points vary roughly between 6 and 36-degree latitudes, so the temperature varies a great deal. We have places that have snow year round in the north, so the answer is it isn’t hot everywhere.
Q: Do you all practice yoga?
A: No, not all of us
Q: Do you think it is cultural appropriation if I wear a saree, or a bindi, or henna….?
A: Here the answer is entirely personal*, I think the whole thing of cultural appropriation needs a blog post later on. I absolutely love when a non-Indian person wears a saree or a bindi or henna… Saree is a beautiful piece of clothing and please do wear it more often and whenever you want. I can name at least ten outstanding henna artists (@bella, @joey,@maple..) who are not Indian by birth, they have contributed a lot to the craft , so please do it just make sure it is safe and naturally made and free of dangerous chemicals.
*and I am almost sure a lot of us will feel the same way