The ways art can help

Kandinsky heard brassy trumpet tones when he painted the color yellow. He theorized that by mixing colors you can produce vibrational frequencies like the chords on a piano. That was his motivation when he painted a series of ten Compositions, each of which supposedly could evoke a spiritual resonance with the viewer. In other words each of these paintings can make us feel like we are listening to musical piece. I knew none of this when I first saw the following painting.

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Composition vii (1913): Wassily Kandinsky

This painting was on the walls of the clinic corridor the first time I was here. Kandinsky’s name sounded vaguely familiar. Back then modern art made me feel really insecure.Every modern abstract art piece made me feel two things, the first thought is kind of universal, 1. My cat can do this and then 2.I don’t understand this but I am going to pretend like I do because everyone else thinks this is cool. My feelings for composition vii were no different at first. But every time I walked past it I was stopping for a couple of seconds to catch a glimpse. Then one day one of the night nurses had to bring me a chair because I was apparently standing and staring at this painting for according to her Eine ewigkeit. Also, it would be nice to point out that it was a time when I had given up on getting better. So why was I looking at this my-cat-can-do painting at 3 am in the morning? The simplest answer would be that it made me feel something. And that something came after several long days of nothingness. And that meant a whole lot.

That was two years ago, over this time I have learned that Kandinsky had lived, learned and painted in Munich. Now I hold a yearly pass to the Lenbachhaus which holds many of his works. One of the interesting things I saw there is the preparatory works  Kandinsky made for this particular Composition, Composition vii. More than 30 paintings in watercolors and oil precede the final piece. So every brush stroke, every color in this painting is deliberately planned. Okay, my cat won’t be able to do that.

The good thing about an inpatient psychiatric clinic (a good one) is that it introduces you to a lot of things, medication, mindfulness, sports, arts, psychotherapy, cooking, gardening and the list goes on. This is saying something very important about mental health care in general. There is no one-cure-for-all when it comes to mental health. It might one of these things that helps you or it might be all of these things. For me it apparently is art.

I have come a long long way since the night I felt an emotional resonance with a painting that was made 104 years before I was born.

Now when I think back to that day I think I realize why it was so powerful. Back then people were telling me about how if I took up jogging or meditation or prayer, things might get better, but that painting showed me a glimpse of that ‘better’.

I cannot possibly end this without telling you about my favorite painting.

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Nighthawks (1942) : Edward Hopper

 

I have written here before about how I want to build a used bookstore+art salon that is open at 3am. This painting for me captures a lot of intangible complexities of that time. More on that later.

Thanks for all the emails and messages after reading my last post. It really meant a lot <3.

Love

Jo

Let a bad day be a bad day once in a while.. also, Kandinsky

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Squares in concentric circles( Wassily Kandinsky 1913)

I have been having a couple of bad days.  My psychologist K always tells me to take care of myself like a mother takes care of her infant child in times like this. But it is not easy to tell the inner bully in me to shut the fuck up so that I can begin the self care routine. It is one of the biggest conflicts in dealing with a psychiatric illness- to accept that this illness is not your fault. Recovery involves taking responsibility of one’s own mental health, it starts with identifying the triggers, learning skills to cope and generally a major lifestyle overhaul. But this can all come crumbling down on a bad day and perhaps we should just breathe and let a bad day be a bad day once in a while..if it means shutting your drapes and and staying indoors watching stupid TV shows let it be..

The only thing I want to be careful about is to leave a crumb trail to slowly find my way back before the grip of darkness tightens.

One of the mistakes I have been doing repeatedly before, was trying to force myself to do what I was expected to do. At the low points of BPD simple tasks can seem overwhelming so trying to do a 5k run when it is difficult to even get out of bed has mostly been counter productive. It would just fuel the guilty feeling and can easily lead to destructive tendencies of binge eating or self harm. Nor has it helped to try and read, when things get rough, because of my avoidant nature I tend to escape to a fantasy world. That would give me the opportunity of imagining better days without actually having to do anything about it.

So I wanted to have something, anything that could pull me up from the dark hole and out of the escapist fantasies just enough so that I will have the motivation to start actively thinking about my mental health…then I found the first crumb of my trail back, Kandinsky.

My next post is going to be just dedicated to Kandinsky’s art but for now I will tell you this much. His paintings give me that essential distraction from the pervasive negative thoughts of depression, also it brings me back to reality just enough so that I can at least go look for my DBT skillset list.

I have a collection of postcards of my favorite paintings from Kandinsky and soon they will go up on my wall, where I will get a direct view of these extraordinary art pieces when I am wallowing on my bed.

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See you with more stories

And on a completely separate subject. Do you remember how I was telling you about not buying the Harry Potter and the Cursed Child? Well it did not go so well 😀

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Love

Jo